Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Eat (But Might Have To)

When food is scarce and the stomach starts growling louder than a raider’s war cry, you’ll be tempted to eat just about anything. But before you take a bite, let’s go over a few questionable menu items that might do more harm than good.

1. Glowing Meat

If it’s glowing, it’s either radioactive or possessed. Either way, hard pass.

2. Blister’s Leftovers

The possum’s been caught hoarding half-rotten critters. If it looks like something he’s been nibbling on, put it down and walk away.

3. Mystery Stew

If Cletus won’t tell you what’s in it, assume the worst. You really don’t want to end up on your own dinner plate.

4. Spoiled Moonshine Mushrooms

Yes, some mushrooms are edible. No, the ones growing in Cletus’ old moonshine barrel are not. Last guy who tried them thought he could fly. He couldn’t.

5. Rat-On-A-Stick (If It’s Still Moving)

Roasted rat can be sort of edible—if cooked long enough. If it twitches, squeaks, or tries to escape, it’s not ready yet.

6. Desert Slime

You ever seen those puddles that shimmer in the heat but never dry up? Yeah, those aren’t water. They’re alive. And they do not want to be eaten.

7. Expired Canned Goods

If the can hisses at you when you open it, it ain’t saying hello. Toss it unless you want to experience an internal apocalypse.

8. Anything That Smells Worse Than Axel’s Boots

If it smells worse than an eight-year-old who hasn’t bathed in a month, it’s probably lethal. Trust your nose.

9. Oozing Fruits

Found an old fruit tree? Lucky you. Just make sure whatever you pick isn’t melting in your hand. That’s not juice.

10. Free Food from Strangers

If someone offers you a meal for free, ask yourself: why? Could be poison, could be a trap, could be worse. Either way, you’ll regret it.

Bottom line—if you gotta eat something sketchy, at least have someone else try it first. Preferably Axel. He bounces back most of the time.